A cross-sex friendship is a platonic relationship between two non-familial people of differing sex or gender. While this kind of friendship is widespread in heterosexual culture, cross-sex friendships involving mixed sexual orientations often mirror mate-selection preferences and provide opportunities for short-term mating. Sometimes, the relationship may come to be regarded as familial. In general, pop culture tends to portray such friendships as impossible and views them with skepticism due to the potential for romantic and sexual attraction.
Modern research focuses on the unique challenges faced by cross-sex friends, examining why such relationships form, how they are perceived by friends and colleagues, and their effects on social development in children and adults.
History The concept of platonic love as a non-sexual relationship between heterosexuals has roots in the Renaissance.
In the 18th century Mary Wollstonecraft advocated for married women to seek lasting friendship with their husbands as love and sexual desire fade.
The modern concept of friendship between the sexes emerged in the late 19th century along with first-wave feminism, and was made possible by increased access to legal rights, employment, and education for women.
Background
Cross-sex friendships play a large role in social relations of both men and women. They can be a cause of complications because of the potential for romance or sexual interactions. Monsour defines a cross-sex friendship as a "voluntary, non-familial, non-romantic, relationship between a female and a male in which both individuals label their association as a friendship". However, just because these friendships are labeled as "non-romantic", one cannot assume that there are no romantic or sexual undertones.
Guerrero and Chavez suggest that there are four types of cross-sex friendships: mutual romance, strictly platonic, desires romance, and rejects romance. In a "mutual romance" cross-sex friendship, one of the participants wants a romantic relationship with the other individual and the other individual wants the same. In "strictly platonic" relationships, the individual believes that the other simply wants to be just platonic friends with no thought of romance. In a "desires romance" cross-sex friendship, one individual wants the friendship to become a romantic relationship but does not believe the other individual wants a romantic relationship. In a "rejects romance" cross-sex relationship, one individual does not want the relationship to turn romantic, but believes that their friend does. Each of these friendship styles are based on the goals and viewpoint of the individual. Other theories and research discuss the causes and benefits of cross-sex friendships.
Emotional bond
Cross-sex friends must negotiate the type of emotional bond they share or develop a shared sense of love. This is complicated by the fact such emotions are not easily distinguishable, and the trajectory of the relationship can include prior stages of romance or physical attraction, or be at a stable or intermediary stage.
It's common in American culture for a discontinued romantic relationship to continue as a friendship. If the couple were platonic friends before the romantic relationship, or are able to effectively communicate during a break-up, this outcome is more likely. Which partner initiated the break-up is a less-likely indicator. A relationship between ex-romantic partners is qualitatively different from those who were always platonic.
Public perception
Since heterosexual romantic relationships are seen as more common than cross-sex friendships, others in a social group may assume a relationship has romantic or sexual potential. Cross-sex friends are challenged to maintain a public image of their relationship as authentic friendship. If the friendship is seen as authentically platonic, the friendship is strengthened by positive reinforcement within social groups. If people assume the relationship is romantic or hides a sexual component, cross-sex friends have to worry about the way they are perceived.
Acceptance of the relationship as non-romantic is especially significant if either friend has a romantic partner. Failure to maintain a public image of friendship can result in suspicion and jealousy in the romantic relationship. Due to this challenge existing cross-sex friendships come under strain when a person marries, and existing marriages make it difficult to develop new cross-sex friendships.
While members of cross-sex friendships spend a considerable amount of time thinking about how their relationship is perceived by others, surveys are mixed regarding whether it's a significant problem for them. Different types of cross-sex friendships, such as "strictly platonic" or "mutual romance", may face different degrees of challenge from an audience.
Major theories
Evolutionary theory
Bleske-Rechek et al. theorize that cross-sex friendships are a part of humans' evolved mating strategies. Current mating strategies unconsciously motivate individuals to enter into cross-sex friendships because it gives them more opportunities to mate. As a result, individuals within these cross-sex friendships often develop attraction to the other individual, even when that attraction is completely unintended. This evolutionary theory predicts that cross-sex friendships are formed by males for sexual access and by females for protection. This demonstrates one way in which cross-sex friendships serve, in part, as a long term mating acquisition strategy. Having more opportunities to mate is an evolutionary advantage, however, being attracted to a cross-sex friend creates negative social consequences. This is especially true for younger adults who are attracted to a cross-sex friend, because these people report less satisfaction in their current romantic relationship. Also, middle-aged adults tend to nominate attraction to their cross-sex friends as more of a negative than a positive.
Social learning theory
In addition, social learning theory predicts that if cross-sex friendships are a result of the desire for sexual access and protection, this is because they are imitating other cross-sex friendships. Most popular television shows and movies suggest that the goal of forming cross-sex friendships is a romantic relationship. People learn from the friendships they see in popular culture and model their behavior after them.
Preference for same sex relationships is a societal norm that is taught to children from a young age. This homosocial norm encourages same sex friendships early on that shape how adolescents view and measure cross-sex friendships. Culturally supported rules about friendships and gender influence the formation of interpersonal relationships. For this reason, ideas of cross-sex friendship can vary from place to place. While diverse cultures view relationships across genders differently, studies have shown that similar ideals for friendship seem to exist around the world in areas such as the United States, Europe, and East Asia. Additionally, adolescent definitions of cross-sex friendships closely match definitions given by adults, suggesting that children develop perceptions on the matter by imitating the opinions of adults in their lives.
During adolescence, a distinction starts to form between romantic relationships and platonic friendships, which is influenced by personal experience as well as exposure to media and popular culture. Teenagers learn from portrayals of romance on television and base their own relationships on these representations. Popular media romanticizes and sexualizes interactions between people of opposite sexes, leading to a cultural expectation of sexual attraction in cross-sex friendships. This common conception leads a small percentage of the population to believe that men and women cannot exist in solely platonic friendships.
The glass partition
Kim Elsesser and Letitia Anne Peplau found that the professional workplace environment and heightened sexual harassment awareness can hinder cross-sex friendship formation. The barrier between men and women forming cross-sex friendships in the professional workplace is called the "glass partition" because of its similarities to the glass ceiling, which prevents women from reaching the top levels of leadership of corporations. The glass partition disadvantages women who work in predominantly male workplaces because women have fewer opportunities for networking. The glass partition results from fearing that friendliness toward a cross-sex friend will be misinterpreted by the friend and by co-workers as romantic or sexual interest, that humor may be perceived as sexual harassment by cross-sex friends, and that conversational topics might be perceived as offensive by cross-sex friends.
When coworkers or other third parties see a cross-sex friendship in the workplace as romantic, this relationship is often viewed negatively, hurting both the male and female worker. This concern becomes specifically prevalent when dealing with cross-sex friendships between superiors and subordinates. It is more likely that this relationship can be misconstrued as often the subordinate, usually a female, might be seen as trying to make advances in order to further their career.
Sexual harassment can hinder the development of cross-sex friendships as well. It is typical practice in companies and organizations to have policies against sexual harassment and to conduct trainings regarding sexual harassment. Due to this heightened awareness of sexual harassment occurrences, many individuals will step back from cross-sex friendships as they can sometimes be misinterpreted by the opposite sex individual or bystanders as sexual harassment. In the study conducted by Elsesser and Peplau, it was stated that most men interviewed in their study often think over conversation topics before initiating conversation with women coworkers, in fear that their comments would be misinterpreted as sexual harassment. In the cases of such wrong accusations, many would rather avoid the possibility of such a situation through avoiding the development of cross-sex friendships as opposed to deal with the possible misconceptions.
Furthermore, it has been reported that oftentimes for men, there is a fear of offending the opposite sex regarding certain conversation topics. For instance, a male management consultant interviewed by Elsesser and Peplau stated that he commonly segregates by gender what type of jokes or humor he expresses in the workplace in fear that it might offend a female coworker. On the contrary, women often say that while they do not feel as though they censor their conversation as much, they can often sense such reservations and unwillingness to relax in men, making friendships awkward and harder to develop.
The fear to create cross-sex friendships in the workplace becomes a problem as friendships amongst coworkers can be specifically important for career development. Friendships can provide information access, networking and emotional support to any individual all of which are valuable for job performance. Hence, when one is limited to forming friendships with those of the same sex, certainly, they are being deprived of advancement in the workplace.
Major empirical findings
Research has been done in the areas of attraction, protection, perception, cross-sex friendships throughout development, and touch and sexual activity between cross-sex friends. These studies find that there are some evolutionary and social benefits to cross-sex friendships. However, there are also some negative social consequences.
Attraction