These are characters created by the columnist Peter Simple (1913–2006) from 1957 onwards. Some of his characters are based on real people and some real people seem to be based on his characters. A few of these links are noted.
Major Julian Birdbath — perennially unsuccessful writer and "last citizen of the Republic of Letters". Performed astounding feat of literary detective-work by discovering a fourth Brontë sister, Doreen Brontë, and ghostwrote the autobiography of General "Tiger" Nidgett, but, as always, never received the recognition or payment he deserved. Finally retired to a disused lead mine in Derbyshire to work on a biography of Stephen Spender with only his pet toad, Amiel, for company. Mr Shuttleworth, a poultry farmer and part-time literary agent, is Birdbath's nearest neighbour, and sometimes relays items of literary news by shouting down the mineshaft. Trevor Dimwiddie — "underwater motorcycling ace" of varying age, appearance and origins. See also Sir Sid Ballpoint. Neville Dreadberg — avant-garde artist and self-publicist and husband of Pippa. Writer of the "classic documentary television plays" Serviettes of Death, Blood Orange and Monsters in Blue, dealing with crime, corruption and cannibalism amongst the white Rhodesians, Ulster Protestants and the British police, respectively. Anticipated Harold Pinter and Will Self. Mrs Dutt-Pauker — immensely rich and privileged Hampstead socialist, admirer of Stalin and rumoured lover of the East German communist leader Walter Ulbricht. She is the mother of Deirdre Dutt-Pauker, and the grandmother of the precociously bearded Maoist toddler and noted political theorist Bert Brecht Mao Rudy Che Odinga (or Mao Banana), and his sister Sus, "whose first thrilling cry as she entered the world, like Bert before her, was 'Boycott South African oranges!' "Peter Simple's World (1988), p. 17. She employs the Albanian Maoist au pair girl Gjoq. Lives at a palatial Hampstead mansion called "Marxmount", but also owns a house called Leninmore in the west of Ireland, bought at the time of the Cuban Missile Crisis. Named after the communists Palme Dutt and Ana Pauker, she is based on leftist pundits such as the Toynbee family. She anticipated Margaret Hodge. The running joke of the character is that she is, in reality, a bourgeois snob, for example "many of her friends who felt deeply about the future of the world had pointed out that the white Rhodesians as a whole were not merely white and reactionary but rather common as well".The Daily Telegraph, page 16, 9 September 1964 Alderman Jabez Foodbotham — "the 25-stone, iron-watch-chained, crag-visaged, grim-booted" Lord Mayor of Bradford and "perpetual chairman of the Bradford City Tramways and Fine Arts Committee."Peter Simple's World (1988), p. 31. Officially died in 1928 but local legend says that, like Charlemagne, he "lies asleep in a mountain cave near Northowram", waiting the summons "to save his city in its hour of supreme danger". Loosely inspired by the Chamberlain dynasty. Doreen Gaggs — trend-crazed tabloid and women's magazine journalist and wife of Jack Moron. Sir Jim Gastropodi — born in Poggibonsi, conductor of the Stretchford Municipal Symphony Orchestra and obsessive admirer of Mahler, newly discovered symphonies by whom, such as "The Interminable", "The Insufferable" and "The Unendurable", he insists on playing, to the disgust of Ron Spheroyd. Inspired by Sir John Barbirolli. Also from Poggibonsi are Giovanni Botulismo, proprietor of the popular Salmonella restaurant, and the late Giuseppe Fittopaldi, composer of the operas 'Le sorelle Brontë' , 'Bramwell' (sic), 'La Fanciulla del Riding Occidentale' , and 'Alderman Foodbotham di Bradford' , all to libretti by an unidentified author. J. Bonington Jagworth — leader of the militant Motorists' Liberation Front and defender of "the basic right of every motorist to drive as fast as he pleases, how he pleases and over what or whom he pleases". Suspicious of his Marxist chief-of-staff Royston Cylinder but good friend of Rev John Goodwheel. Anticipated Jeremy Clarkson by three decades. Dr Heinz Kiosk — A psychoanalyst and rentaquote pundit who, at every manifestation of anti-social behaviour, is ready to deflect responsibility from the individual perpetrator and onto society as a whole; as reflected in his catchphrase "We are all guilty!"Peter Simple's World (1988), p. 69. Said to have anticipated Macpherson's finding of institutional racism. Jack Moron — tabloid journalist and husband of Doreen Gaggs. Writes aggressive articles demanding progress and change or warning of foreign peril. The Earl of Mountwarlock — the eight-foot, cyclops-eyed owner of the monster-infested Mountwarlock Estate near Stretchford. See also Phantomsby, Mr Dis, MacAnguish and Ghoulman. Lieutenant General Sir Frederick "Tiger" Nidgett — retired commanding officer of the Royal Army Tailoring Corps and maker of inspirational speeches full of fatuous rhetoric. His autobiography, Up Sticks and Away!, was ghostwritten by Julian Birdbath. Alleged mentor of Tony Blair.'Lovers of oratory have often remarked on the abiding influence on Tony Blair of Gen Sir Frederick ("Tiger") Nidgett, supreme orator, veteran war hero and creator of the Royal Army Tailoring Corps'.Way of the World column mentioning General Nidgett's influence on Tony Blair. Harry and Janet Nodule — traffic-jam fans of Brassgrove Park in south London and always on the look out for a "good snarl-up".Way of the World column featuring the Nodules. King Norman the Good — future head of the Royal Socialist Family. Husband of Queen Doreen, son-in-law of the Queen Gran, father of Princes Barry and Kevin and Princesses Shirley and Tracey, brother-in-law of Duke Len of Erdington. Foreshadows the "daylight on magic" media treatment of the Royal Family. Phantomsby — butler and factotum of the Earl of Mountwarlock and "one of the few practising werewolves left in the Midlands". Has a sharp-toothed but infectious smile. Albert Rasp — lethargic, goal-conceding goalkeeper of Stretchford United (home ground: Anthrax Park).Peter Simple's World (1988), p. 45. Also a prestigious Stretchfordshire cricket all-rounder, he is known to have scored 1024 not out, in unexplained circumstances, in an innings composed entirely of sixes. Old Seth Roentgen — scientific farmer at the Ohm Farm who grows money and share-certificates directly from the soil and regularly disturbs or even kills his neighbours with agricultural experiments.Peter Simple's World (1988), p. 208-9. Father of buxom, dark-eyed, lab-coated Hephzibah. Not to be confused with Old Seth the Wasp-Keeper. Dr Spacely-Trellis — progressive Bishop of Bevindon in the Stretchford Conurbation, where his domestic chaplain is the mischief-making Rev. Peter Nordwestdeutscher (a parody of Anglican peace activist Paul Oestreicher). He is almost always referred to as 'the go-ahead Bishop of Bevindon'. Anticipated and strongly resembles David Jenkins, Richard Harries, Rowan Williams and many other Anglican clerics. Sir Herbert Trance — head of the British Boring Board of Control based at Lethargy House. World-famous bores competing in competitions organized by the BBBC (and chronicled by Narcolept) include Antonin Bvorak from Czechoslovakia, Jean-Pierre Cafard from Canada, Grant Coma Jr from America, Shloime ben Chloroform from Israel (aka "Glorious Shloime"), R.S. Nattacharya from India and Ron Stupor from Australia. 'Wayfarer' — expert on London byways. Continually discovering lost communities of Anglo-Saxon washerwomen, whirling dervishes, Incas, Mongols, et al. visited in their time by authorities such as Samuel Johnson and Thomas Carlyle but now usually reduced to one aged representative living in reduced circumstances "behind an ordinary-looking pet shop in South London's Turgis Hill High Street".
Minor Prem Bakshi — Diminutive Pakistani triangle player in the Stretchford M.S.O. Sir Sid Ballpoint — "Supreme Manager-in-Chief of the British Underwater Motorcycling Federation". See also Trevor Dimwiddie. S. J. Barstow (1886–1929), the only hydro-electrical engineer to be a member of the Bloomsbury Group. Took part with D. H. Lawrence at a combined poetry-reading and hydro-electrical engineering demonstration in Oxford, where he was introduced to Lady Ottoline Morrell. His letters to Leonard Woolf requesting payment for repairs to a table lamp are profoundly moving and foreshadow his later suicide by auto-electrocution.Peter Simple's World (1988), pp. 227-8. Blazeaway — column's shooting correspondent. Lists bags of left-wing student, ecologist and social scientist, some of whom end up on the tables at the trendy West End restaurant Au Petit Coin Anthropophage. Boggs Motor Company — columnnar vehicle manufacturer. Product line includes such cars as the Boggs Assassin, Boggs Yobbo, Boggs Super-Oaf and (the vehicle of choice for Harry and Janet Nodule) the Boggs Snail. Dr Kev Burst — headmaster of Stretchford Comprehensive School. Runs extensive car-hire, pornography and other businesses with the labour and cash he extracts from his huge student community. E. S. Canister (1886–1980) — litterateur (as in litter) who was "the first to leave a rusting bedstead on the summit of Scafell Pike". His later works include "Vandalised Grand Piano and Two Tons of Toffee Papers on Ben Nevis" (1920) and "Four Tons of Miscellaneous Litter on the Sierra Nevada" (1927). Inspiration for the Friends of Litter.cf following press article: "Piano found on Britain's highest mountain" (Scottish Press Association, Wednesday 17 May 2006); A musical mystery today surrounded Britain's highest mountain after a piano was discovered near its summit. Volunteers clearing stones from the 4,418ft peak were astonished when they discovered the musical instrument on Ben Nevis. An appeal has now been launched to find out how and why the piano came to be within 200 metres of the top of the mountain. The piano was recovered at the weekend by 15 volunteers from the John Muir Trust, the conservation charity which owns part of Ben Nevis. [A] biscuit wrapper with a best before date of December 1986 was found under the piano, giving a clue as to when it was taken there, but not why.":The Guardian Jeremy Cardhouse — originally a "progressive" Conservative Party MP, later defected to the Labour Party and became a Peter Mandelson-worshipping Euro MP. Compared by A. N. Wilson to the eventual Conservative leader and Prime Minister David Cameron. Dr Abdul Ngong Castrumba — "freelance, all-purpose revolutionary leader". Based on Fidel Castro, Patrice Lumumba and other 1960s revolutionaries. Chocolate Meringue Narthex — A highly successful rock group led by the Bishop of Bevindon. Anticipated the Rt. Rev. Andrew Rumsey, Bishop of St. Albans. Mungo Clange — Sentimental and optimistic columnist who shares his 'tidings of joy' with readers. Specialises in mawkish stories about lovable ordinary folk, and in sharing the simple joy of the elderly mothers of such characters as Leonid Brezhnev and Ayatollah Khomenei. Modelled on Godfrey Winn. Attila Craggs — ruthlessly resolute chief of the Television Licence Evaders' Liberation Army, or TELELA. Oversees his fanatical Telelistas from a secret hideout "somewhere in South London" and speaks a special and sometimes confusing dialect of commercial Spanish. Royston Cylinder — ambitious crypto-Marxist chief-of-staff of J. Bonington Jagworth, leader of the Motorists' Liberation Front. Possibly anticipates Alexei Sayle's attempt to take over Top Gear, but it is difficult to tell when Sayle should be taken seriously. Mr Dis — taciturn, dark-visaged manager of the Home Farm on the Mountwarlock Estate. Expert in the growing of mandrakes. Senator Patrick Flannely — keen American supporter of the Irish Republican Navy (IRN) - a parody of prominent American sympathizers with the Irish Republican Army such as Senator Edward Kennedy.