The Heart of a Goof is a collection of nine short stories by English comic writer P. G. Wodehouse. It was first published in the United Kingdom on April 15, 1926, by Herbert Jenkins, and in the United States on March 4, 1927, by George H. Doran, New York, under the title Divots.McIlvaine (1990), pp. 50–51, A36. The stories were originally published in magazines between 1921 and 1926.
The stories all concern golf, and are told by the Oldest Member. The book can be considered a sequel to The Clicking of Cuthbert (1922).
Contents
The original story titles and publication dates were as follows:
"The Heart of a Goof" UK: Strand, April 1924 US: Red Book, September 1923
Plot The Oldest Member tells a young man at the club that a "goof" is someone who is unskilled at golf and becomes overly dejected because of this. He recounts the following tale of a goof, Ferdinand Dibble.
The Oldest Member sees Ferdinand talking to Barbara Medway, who is about to leave for the summer to Marvis Bay. Ferdinand confides in the Oldest Member that he wants to propose to Barbara, but he lacks confidence in himself because of his poor golfing. Later, Barbara also confides in the Oldest Member. She has figured out that Ferdinand loves her and returns his feelings. She is annoyed that Ferdinand will not tell her how he feels. The Oldest Member explains that Ferdinand is a goof, and suggests that Barbara induce Ferdinand to go to Marvis Bay. The average skill of the golfers at the hotel there is notoriously low. Ferdinand will gain enough confidence by defeating them to propose to Barbara. She follows this advice. At Marvis Bay, Ferdinand is amazed by his success against the other golfers, including the lawyer Mr Tuttle, Barbara's uncle. Barbara had to postpone her visit to Marvis Bay at the last moment. Ferdinand does not mind waiting because he continues to win and become more confident.
Ferdinand starts holding up games to give advice to his opponents. They resent this and plot to take him down a peg. Mr Tuttle employs a young man and relatively skilled golfer named George Parsloe, whom he invites to Marvis Bay to beat and humble Ferdinand. Ferdinand agrees to play against Parsloe. He regrets this when he sees Parsloe practising. Barbara arrives at Marvis Bay, but Ferdinand is too dejected because of Parsloe to be cheerful. She mistakenly believes he is not happy to see her and has met another girl. When Ferdinand notices the resulting change in her manner, he thinks she has fallen for Parsloe, who is an old friend of hers. While the match between Ferdinand and Parsloe is going on, Barbara hears about it in the hotel and realizes the actual reason Ferdinand seemed preoccupied. She rushes to the golf course. Her uncle tells her the two players are at the fifteenth hole and have the same score. Ferdinand became listless since he thought he lost Barbara, so he is not nervously over-thinking like usual and is playing better. Barbara suddenly speaks while Parsloe is playing and distracts him, leading to victory for Ferdinand. Barbara and Ferdinand confess their feelings for each other and plan to get married. Ferdinand knows he played better because he was too miserable to worry about his shots, and is concerned he will only be happy from now on. Barbara assures him she be able to think of a hundred ways of bothering him when they are married. Ferdinand is delighted.
"High Stakes" UK: Strand, October 1925 US: Saturday Evening Post, 19 September 1925
Plot A young man tells the Oldest Member that two rich golfers at the club wagered money on who would win their match. The Oldest Member is reminded of the following story in which two men play for high stakes.
American millionaire Bradbury Fisher plays golf and collects famous golf relics, though his wife disapproves of his collecting. Bradbury returns to New York while his wife continues her holiday in England. At his home in Goldenville, Long Island, his English butler Blizzard informs him that Gladstone Bott, another American millionaire, wants to speak with him on the telephone. Gladstone has been Bradbury's rival since they were young men at Sing-Sing, and they now have the same handicap of 24. Gladstone has acquired a baffy that Bobby Jones used as an infant and wants to exchange the baffy for Blizzard, who is the former butler of an Earl and the finest English butler on Long Island. Bradsbury agrees, and the Jones baffy arrives at Bradbury's house. He worries about what will happen if he sends Blizzard away, since his wife values Blizzard highly. The next day on the golf course, Bradbury insults Gladstone's golfing ability and goads him into a match on Friday for high stakes. If Bradbury loses, he must give Gladstone three railroads, but if he wins, he will get to keep Blizzard.
The day of the match, Bradbury arrives at the course and finds Gladstone Bott waiting with two caddies. Bott plays cautiously and steadily while Bradbury is a riskier player. Their scores are the same when they reach the sixteenth hole. Bradbury's ball ends up in a grassy area, in a spot difficult to hit the ball out of. While Bott is not looking, Bradbury gives his caddie a hundred dollars, then moves his ball slightly to a better spot. The caddie says nothing to Gladstone. Bradbury cheats a second time, and bribes his caddie with a hundred and fifty dollars. Bradbury apparently wins the match. The caddie, who is actually a detective paid by Gladstone, then reports that Bradbury cheated. Victory is awarded to Gladstone. Bradbury goes home disappointed and is nervous about telling his wife, Evangeline. She returns to New York and tells Bradbury she has done something awful. She took on Vosper, the extremely impressive butler of a Duke, as their new butler. Vosper came to America on the same ship. She does not know what to do since she hasn't the nerve to fire Blizzard. Bradbury, secretly relieved, says he will try to get Gladstone to engage Blizzard.
"Keeping in with Vosper" UK: Strand, March 1926 US: Liberty, 13 March 1926
Plot While a young man at the club must wait for his wife while she telephones her dress-maker, the Oldest Member tells him another story about American millionaire Bradbury Fisher.
Bradbury employs a dignified English butler named Hildebrand Vosper, who previously worked in the prestigious household of a duke. Bradbury is pleased that his friend Rupert Worple, who was just released from Sing-Sing, is paying him a visit. However, Bradbury becomes nervous when he learns that his wife's disapproving mother, Mrs Lora Smith Maplebury, is coming. One evening, Vosper tells Bradbury that Mr Worple must go. His laugh is too hearty, and, in the butler's words, it would not have done for the Duke. Bradbury initially resists being bossed by his butler, but Bradbury's wife insists he do as Vosper says so Vosper does not resign. Bradbury reluctantly tells Rupert to leave. After Rupert has left, Mrs Maplebury arrives. To make matters worse for Bradbury, his wife is going to take up golf again and play with him every day. Vosper suggested it for exercise. Bradbury is now even more annoyed with Vosper, because his wife is an excruciatingly slow golfer. She also has little respect for the usual etiquette and rules of the club. She brings her pet dog to the course, does not replace divots, and speaks lightly of the Green Committee.
Bradbury is unwilling to play golf with her any longer. He claims he has business in the city, but actually goes to another golf course. Mrs Maplebury tells her daughter she does not believe Bradbury and suspects he is having an affair. Bradbury qualifies for the sixth sixteen in the annual invitation tournament of his new club. Vosper says he does not want to work for someone engaged in commerce, so Bradbury cannot pretend to go to the office anymore. He notices an announcement about the inauguration of a new football stadium at Sing-Sing, and pretends he must join his old friends at the event. He actually goes to the tournament, and wins a small pewter cup. He returns to the house in a cheerful mood and doubles Vosper's wages. Bradbury claims he saw a football game, but Mrs Fisher knows this is a lie, having read that the stadium inauguration was postponed. Bradbury admits he was playing golf. Mrs Fisher is glad to hear this, and forgives him. She will not play golf again because Vosper saw how she played one morning and told her respectfully that she must stop. Bradbury is pleased and trebles Vosper's salary. Vosper says that Mrs Maplebury must leave, noting that the Duke would not have approved of her. Bradbury is thrilled and quadruples Vosper's salary.
"Chester Forgets Himself" UK: Strand, May 1924 US: Saturday Evening Post, 7 July 1923
Plot The Oldest Member remarks that members of the clergy should be given more lenient handicaps, because they bear the strain of not being able to swear. He recounts the following story of a man named Chester Meredith, whose happiness was nearly ruined because he tried to contain himself in this respect.
Chester complains to the Oldest Member about The Wrecking Crew, a slow foursome that don't let other golfers pass them. A beautiful woman walks by, and Chester is instantly smitten with her. The knowledgeable Oldest Member tells him she is Felicia Blakeney, and has come for a month to visit a friend. Her mother is a well-known novelist, and her brother is an essayist named Crispin. Chester did not get along well with Crispin at school. The Oldest Member suggests that Chester pretend he was good friends with Crispin, who is away in India, to make Felicia like him. The Oldest Member introduces Chester to Felicia as a friend of Crispin. Felicia seems cold and unfriendly, which the Oldest Member thinks is due to Chester's shy stiffness. Chester plays golf with Felicia. He usually swears when he makes mistakes but resists doing so around her. He praises her brother, and her mother's novels, which he secretly hates. Felicia actually dislikes the highbrow nature of her intellectual family and is not fond of her brother Crispin. She respects Chester's skill at golf, but thinks he is too dispassionate on the links. Chester is unaware of this and proposes to Felicia. She turns him down. Disappointed, Chester devotes himself to golf.
Two weeks later, Chester has become a very skilled golfer. Felicia agrees to play one last round with him before she leaves. After a bad start, Chester plays very well. Felicia points out that he could beat the lowest course record, sixty-eight. (Peter Willard, from the story "A Woman is Only a Woman", got the highest record, a hundred and sixty-one.) Chester keeps himself from swearing and remains calm when his ball falls into some undergrowth. His attitude again disappoints Felicia. Chester can still beat the record. When he gets to the eighteenth hole, he has to wait for the Wrecking Crew. Eventually, Chester is able to play a few shots and must hole out in two strokes to break the record. A member of the Wrecking Crew called the First Grave-Digger hits his ball while Chester is bending to make a shot. The ball hits Chester in the seat of his plus-fours, and causes him to hit his ball too short a distance. Chester loudly shouts many swears. He stops when he hears Felicia say his name, and apologizes, but she is glad that he shouted. She realizes he was controlling himself before for her sake. She says she will marry him. The Wrecking Crew apologize to Chester. However, he still has one more shot to break the record, and he succeeds. Felicia and Chester admit they both dislike Crispin, and happily wander off into the sunset.
"The Magic Plus Fours" UK: Strand, December 1922 US: Red Book, January 1923 (as "The Plus Fours")
Plot The Oldest Member remarks that someone can become arrogant if they become good at golf too quickly, and tells the related story of Wallace Chesney.