The Clicking of Cuthbert is a collection of ten short stories by P. G. Wodehouse, all with a golfing theme. It was first published in the United Kingdom on 3 February 1922 by Herbert Jenkins Ltd of London. It was later published in the United States by George H. Doran of New York on 28 May 1924 under the title Golf Without Tears.McIlvaine (1990), pp. 38–39, A27. The short stories were originally published in magazines between 1919 and 1922.
There are some slight differences between the two editions, chiefly as regards the names of characters, places, and famous golfers, which were adapted to suit the country of publication. The first story in the collection introduces the Oldest Member, a repeat Wodehouse character, who narrates all but the last story.
Contents
"The Clicking of Cuthbert"
UK: Strand, October 1921 (as "The Unexpected Clicking of Cuthbert") US: Elk's Magazine, July 1922 (as "Cuthbert Unexpectedly Clicks") As with most of the stories in the collection, the UK version of the story is set in England, while the US version is set in the United States.
Plot
The Oldest Member (of a golf club with varying names) sees a young man giving up his clubs because he thinks golf is waste of time. To show the young man that playing golf can be useful, the Oldest Member tells him the following story about Cuthbert Banks.
In the suburb of Wood Hills, there is a divide between the Cultured, the intellectuals of the Wood Hills Literary and Debating Society, and the Golfers, the members of the local golf club. Mrs Emily Smethurst, president of the literary society, wants the neighbourhood to be cultured and disapproves of the golf club. The society's meeting place is near the golf course, and their sudden applause during a novelist's lecture causes golfer J. Cuthbert Banks to accidentally hit his ball into the room onto a table. He apologetically comes in to play the ball where it lies, and falls in love with Mrs Smethurst's niece, Adeline. He eventually proposes to her but she turns him down, since she is ambitious and, feeling she is too ordinary herself to be noteworthy, wants to marry someone noteworthy. Cuthbert is a skilled golfer and won the French Open Championship the previous year, but Adeline does not consider this a noteworthy achievement. She admires Raymond Parsloe Devine, the novelist who gave the lecture. Cuthbert joins the society to please Adeline, but she continues to adore Devine.
Vladimir Brusiloff, a famous Russian writer of dreary novels, is in the country on a lecturing tour and comes to Wood Hills, to the delight of Mrs Smethurst and her society. Brusiloff, tired of giving lectures and meeting aspiring writers, is in a bad mood when Mrs Smethurst introduces him to Devine. Devine says he was greatly influenced by Russian writers named Sovietski and Nastikoff, but Brusiloff coldly remarks that they are no good, going on to declare Tolstoy and P. G. Wodehouse as "not good, but not bad". Devine's prestige in the literary society is immediately shattered and he slinks away. Adeline loses all her respect for him. Brusiloff mentions that he wants to meet the golfers Abe Mitchell and Harry Vardon. (Walter Hagen and Jock Hutchison in the US version of the story.) Cuthbert mentions that he knows them. Brusiloff recognizes Cuthbert's name and is honoured to meet him, since he won the French Open. Adeline now admires Cuthbert. She marries him and becomes a fan of golf. Devine had to leave the neighbourhood and is now writing scenarios for films in California.
As the Oldest Member is finishing the story, his listener rushes out to get back his clubs.
"A Woman Is Only a Woman" US: Saturday Evening Post, 7 June 1919 UK: Strand, October 1919 In this story, the golf club is called the Woodhaven Golf Club in the Strand version, and the Manhooset Golf Club in the Saturday Evening Post version.
Plot From the terrace in front of the golf club, the Oldest Member sees Peter Willard and James Todd playing golf together, and tells the following story about them.
Peter and James are close friends who regularly play golf together. Both have little skill at golf but greatly enjoy the game. However, their relationship becomes strained when they both fall in love with Grace Forrester. Grace seems to like them equally. Since they are always around Grace at the same time, James and Peter believe that they have got each other stymied by preventing each other from wooing her, so they agree to decide the matter with an eighteen-hole match. The loser will stay away from Grace long enough for the winner to have a chance to court her.
In their match, Peter and James play about the same, both sometimes playing well and sometimes worse. After the ninth hole, James takes a short break, claiming he needs to get a few more balls, though he is actually looking at his golf book for tips. When James joins Peter on the tenth tee, Peter announces he is forfeiting the match and says that James is free to propose to Grace. James thanks him and goes to talk to Grace, who plays tennis nearby. He talks to her in detail about golf, and is shocked when Grace says she finds golf boring and silly. James is revolted and rejoins Peter. Peter says he had spoken to Grace a few minutes before and also heard her feelings about golf. They are glad they found out in time and plan to play golf more often together. James tells Peter about his golf book and invites James to read it. They clasp hands and are close friends again.
"A Mixed Threesome" US: McClure's, June 1920 UK: Strand, March 1921
Plot A golfer at the club is annoyed by children playing on the course and says golf should only be played by adults. The Oldest Member disagrees and argues that golf, like measles, should be caught young. If not, a golfer who starts playing later in life may become too absorbed in the game too quickly. He tells the story of Mortimer Sturgis to illustrate his point.
The Oldest Member's friend Betty Weston, who plays golf, is engaged to 38-year-old Mortimer Sturgis, who is not a golfer but is amiable and has independent means. Eddie Denton, Mortimer's best friend, is an explorer and returns from Central Africa. Betty admires bravery and is fascinated by Eddie. Soon, she has fallen in love with him, and goes to the Oldest Member for advice. Eddie returns Betty's feelings but neither of them want to hurt Mortimer. The Oldest Member gets an idea. He will lie to Mortimer that Betty is a kleptomaniac so he will not want to marry her. Betty thanks the Oldest Member for his help.
Mortimer is learning golf from the Oldest Member for Betty's sake. Initially, Mortimer dislikes the game, but he begins to enjoy it after he starts playing better. The Oldest Member tells Mortimer that Betty is a kleptomaniac, but this fails to change Mortimer's opinion of her. Mortimer quickly becomes extremely devoted to golf, and as a result he spends less time with Betty. When Betty complains that he is neglecting her, Mortimer only talks more about golf. Hurt, Betty ends their engagement. Mortimer recovers quickly from this and remains focused on golf. Betty and Eddie are now happily married. Mortimer was too busy with a tournament to attend their wedding, but sent golf balls and a patent Sturgis putter as wedding gifts.
"Sundered Hearts" UK: Strand, December 1920 US: McClure's, December 1920
Plot A young man comes into the club-house, having just played golf because of his enthusiasm for the game despite the cold and snowy weather. The Oldest Member is reminded of another enthusiastic golfer, Mortimer Sturgis. The young man heard the first story about him, "A Mixed Threesome". The Oldest Member tells him another story about Mortimer.
Mortimer is now 42 years old and has a handicap of twelve. He is more passionate about golf than ever. In the winter, Mortimer goes to the sunny South of France to play golf there. At the hotel, he meets a woman with golden hair, Miss Somerset, and the two fall in love. Her left wrist is in a sling. She says she strained it playing the championship. Mortimer assumes she is Mary Somerset, champion of the Ladies' Open Golf Championship, and is thrilled to meet her. They spend more time together. When he is golfing, she vaguely suggests he give the ball a hard knock when he asks for advice, and he is delighted to have her help. She says yes when he asks if he can call her Mary. He proposes to her. She gladly accepts him, though she seems somewhat disquieted when he says he is excited to be marrying a first-class golfer.
They are quietly married a few weeks later. They spend their honeymoon in Italy and then go to Mortimer's little house near the golf course. When he asks her to play golf with him, she confesses that she deceived Mortimer. She is actually Mabel Somerset, a champion croquet player. Mary Somerset is her cousin. She did not clarify this to Mortimer because she was in love and wanted to marry him. Distraught, she disappears before Mortimer can talk to her and leaves a letter saying she wronged him and is going away somewhere. Mortimer still loves her and tries to find her by hiring private detectives and advertising in all the papers. On Christmas Eve, Mabel returns at last. She explains that she left to study golf in Scotland under a famous golfer named Tammas McMickle. Her handicap is 24. Mortimer's handicap has risen to 24. He is delighted to have her back, and happy that they will be playing golf together.
"The Salvation of George Mackintosh"
UK: Strand, June 1921 US: McClure's, September 1921
Plot The Oldest Member discusses annoying golfers who talk incessantly on the course. He tells the following story about George Mackintosh, a golfer who was very talkative before being cured.
George falls in love with Celia Tennant, but is too diffident to speak to her. He asks the Oldest Member for advice. The Oldest Member points out an advertisement in a magazine for a correspondence course on becoming a convincing talker. George decides to try out the course for a week or two and then ask for a higher salary at the law firm where he works. If this succeeds, he will continue the course. A few weeks later, George is now talkative, confident, and somewhat overbearing. He has convinced his boss to give him a raise and has also become engaged to Celia. George talks incessantly on the links, and the other players get annoyed and avoid him. Celia also becomes irritated by George's constant talking.
The Oldest Member invites Celia to play golf with him, and suggests she bring George along so they can reason with him. While the Oldest Member and Celia play golf, George talks a great deal about a variety of subjects but particularly criticizes Celia's playing. This exasperates Celia, though George does not notice. The Oldest Member, whose concentration on the game is affected by George's prattling, slices his drive into the woods on the right, and after playing another, he goes into the woods to find his ball. While searching, he hears Celia call out to him. She tells him she snapped and hit George with her niblick. Celia regrets hitting him, though he quickly recovers. She and the Oldest Member tell him what happened. He is back to normal and is amazed Celia stuck with him despite his bothersome chatting. They share an embrace. The Oldest Member concludes that it is possible but difficult to cure extremely chatty golfers.
"Ordeal by Golf" US: Collier's, 6 December 1919 UK: Strand, February 1920 (as "A Kink in His Character") In this story, the club is called the Marvis Bay Golf and Country Club in the Strand version. It is called the Manhooset Golf and Country Club and is located near New York in the Collier's version.
Plot The Oldest Member watches a group of players struggle on the course. After one of them tries to blame his caddie for distracting him, The Oldest Member remarks that few men possess the proper golfing temperament, and is reminded of a story about Mitchell Holmes.