Etiquette in the United States is the set of norms for behavior in the United States. These generally apply to all individuals, unlike cultures with more formal class structures, such as those with nobility and royalty.Martin, Judith. Star-Spangled Manners: In Which Miss Manners Defends American Etiquette (For a Change). The United States has cultural and linguistic heritage originating in Europe. Some points of traditional European etiquette apply in the United States, especially in more formal settings
Among the most prominent writers on etiquette in the United States are Meloise, Letitia Baldrige, Judith Martin, Emily Post, Elizabeth Post, Peggy Post, Mary Monica Mitchell, Gertrude Pringle, and Amy Vanderbilt.
Principles Judith Martin states that if one wishes to become an accepted member of any society or group, one "had better learn to practice its etiquette".
Early North American etiquette books claimed that the manners and customs of the "Best Society" could be imitated by all, although some authors lamented that the lower classes, meaning those "whose experience in life has been a hardening process", in fact treated the rules of etiquette with "contempt and ... a sneer". Current etiquette books do not employ the concept of "best society", but rather define etiquette as a set of guidelines that "help steer our behavior as we move through our daily routines"Post, Peggy. Etiquette. 17th edition. Chapter 1. "Guidelines for Living." Page 3. and that can help deal with "the pressures of modern life [which] make it all the more difficult to stay civil". This change is reflected in the content of etiquette books; etiquette books published in the early 20th century contained detailed advice on the treatment of servants, the conduct of formal dinner parties, and the behavior of debutantes; more modern books are likely to emphasize the importance of respecting people of all classes, races, and ethnic backgrounds.Post, Peggy. Etiquette. 17th edition. Chapter 1. Some books make a further distinction between etiquette and manners:
Etiquette is protocol, rules of behavior that you memorize and that rarely bend to encompass individual concerns and needs. Manners embrace socially acceptable behavior, of course, but also much more than that. They are an expression of how you treat others when you care about them, their self-esteem, and their feelings.
Etiquette writers assert that etiquette rules, rather than being stuffy or elitist, serve to make life more pleasant. Mary Mitchell states that in most, if not all, cases where conflict emerges between external rules and the urge to be kind and considerate, manners should trump etiquette. She emphasizes that: "In every human situation there is the correct action, the incorrect action, and the appropriate action."Mitchell, Mary. "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Etiquette, Third Edition." Page xxiv.
Though etiquette rules may seem arbitrary at times and in various situations, these are the very situations in which a common set of accepted customs can help to eliminate awkwardness. While etiquette is often a means to make others feel comfortable, it is also the case that etiquette can serve to eliminate inappropriate behaviors in others by increasing discomfort.
Bodily functions One should attempt to suppress yawning in polite company, concealing the mouth with the back of the hand."Miss Manners" column by Judith Martin, United Features Syndicate, March 17, 2009 Also, sneezing into a handkerchief, tissue, or side of your sleeve is expected, rather than turning or sneezing into the open air.
Private life
Invitations Hospitality requires that when extending an invitation as a host, one anticipates and provides for the needs of the invited guests. "Strings" may not be attached to the invitation. Guest responsibilities include dressing appropriately to the occasion, and providing one's own transportation and lodging. As a courtesy, the host may include dress instructions.Post, Emily. "Etiquette". 17th edition. Chapter 18. Page 248 (See section on weddings for details on standard North American attire.)
Generally, etiquette writers consider it incorrect to include any suggestion that gifts are, or even could have been, expected at a hosted event, and therefore no mention of gift registries or other prohibitive or prescriptive statements on an invitation are permitted, such as "monetary gifts only", or "no gifts, please".Post, Peggy. Etiquette. 17th edition. Page 635. If a guest inquires himself, such things may only then be brought up by the host. Only overnight guests should feel obliged to bring a gift for the host.
An invitation is meant only for the people to whom it is addressed. "Mr. and Mrs. Jones" does not mean "Mr. and Mrs. Jones and any of their relatives they may wish to bring." If wishing to invite additional family members, the host should not add "... and Family", but instead should be specific rather than have the invitees guess what exactly this means. Individuals may decline or accept invitations extended to multiple persons. For example, a woman may accept an invitation extended to her entire family, even if the husband and children must send regrets (all in the same letter to the host). Invitations for mixed social events, such as parties, weddings, etc., must be extended to the established significant others of any invitees, such as spouses, fiancés, or long time or live-in boyfriends or girlfriends. The significant other must be invited by name, and the host should inquire if it is not known. If the couple does not live together, the host should inquire as to the partner's full name and address and send a separate invitation for formal occasions. If a person's socially established partner has not been invited, etiquette allows him or her to politely request that the host do so. Persons without socially established partners may not request to bring a guest, nor is a host expected to invite singles to bring a date (i.e., "[Invitee] and Guest").
When receiving an invitation, one is obliged to respond in kind as soon as possible. This means if receiving the invitation by phone, reply by phone, etc. One must accept or decline even if "RSVP" is not specified. To not do so is an insult to the host.
Most formal invitations are hand-written,Martin, Judith. Miss Manners on Painfully Proper Weddings. Page 92.Post, Peggy. Etiquette. 17th edition. Page 625. but for large numbers, such as for weddings, engraved or printed invitations are acceptable, though less formal. Printing is considered less appropriate than "frank and honest" handwriting.Martin, Judith. Miss Manners on Painfully Proper Weddings. Page 87. Engraved invitations, which are more expensive than printed ones, are shipped with protective tissue paper to prevent wet ink from smudging, but as the ink has dried by the time they are received by the hosts, they should be removed before mailing to guests, and etiquette authorities consider their inclusion to be improper and a form of bragging.Martin, Judith. Miss Manners on Painfully Proper Weddings. Page 104.
Emily Post's Etiquette gives examples of the traditional forms for formal and informal invitations;Post, Emily. Etiquette. 1922 edition. http://www.bartleby.com/95/11.html granddaughter Peggy Post provides updated examples of the forms in Etiquette (17th edition) that take into account non-traditional social relationships.
Reply cards, with or without postage, may be included with an invitation according to some etiquette writers, though they need not be.Post, Peggy. Etiquette. 17th edition. Page 642. However, Judith Martin calls response cards "vulgar",Martin, Judith. Miss Manners' Guide for the Turn-of-the-Millennium. Page 616. as they imply the guest would not reply without being prompted to do so.Martin, Judith. Miss Manners on Painfully Proper Weddings. Page 102. She advocates discarding them and replying on one's own stationery, while Peggy Post suggests that guests use them if included, to avoid interfering with the host's card collection system. Some say maps, directions, websites, and other information may be included.Post, Peggy. Etiquette. 17th edition. Page 643. Others note that these are not formal aspects of an invitation, and therefore should not be included in formal invitations, and those who accept should instead later be sent the information via informal communication, such as postal mail, phone, or the Internet. At-home cards may be included with wedding invitations. Traditionally, they announced the bride and groom's new address; they are now more likely to be used to announce the couple's choice of surnames.Post, Peggy. Etiquette. 17th edition. Page 644.
Weddings See also "Gifts" and "Invitations" sections Weddings are often an occasion for particular concern about etiquette; and for some people, weddings are the only time when etiquette becomes a concern. In general, etiquette writers state that a wedding should be one more occasion for the exercise of thoughtfulness towards others, and thus a wedding is not, as is often said, "my special day" (a term "which seems to sanction selfishness"), "her day", or "their day", but an event to be enjoyed by all invited to be present.Martin, Judith. Miss Manners on Painfully Proper Weddings. Chapter 2. Page 24.
Wedding planning Etiquette writers agree that the first step in planning a wedding should be selecting the guest list, not deciding on the type of wedding to be held.Post, Peggy. Etiquette. 17th edition. Chapter 34. Page 572.Martin, Judith. Miss Manners on Painfully Proper Weddings. Chapter 7. Page 70. This is because others' enjoyment of the celebration should be a priority, not one's personal desires or fantasies,Martin, Judith. Miss Manners on Painfully Proper Weddings. Chapter 7. or as Judith Martin said, "The guest list should have priority over the arrangements, which is to say that you ask first who should be there, and then what you can afford to feed them, rather than the other way around." Traditionally, "the guest list was divided equally between the bride's and the groom's families and friends, but this is no longer considered necessary".
Likewise, etiquette writers prescribe that the selection of a bridal party should be based on interpersonal closeness to the bride or to the groom. In the past, women were most likely to choose female attendants, and likewise for the groom and males, but "friendship [should be] the chief factor, not gender"Martin, Judith. Miss Manners on Painfully Proper Weddings. Chapter 10. Page 138. in selecting attendants. Each member of the bridal party should stand with the person to whom he or she is closest. Terms such as "man of honor", "bridesmen", "groomswomen", and "best woman" are used when appropriate. A bridal party is not, in Judith Martin's words, a "chorus line", and therefore the bridal party needn't consist of either equal numbers on each side, nor equal numbers of men and women.Post, Peggy. Etiquette. 17th edition. Page 583.